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[Bart]

High Speed Bowling or Genius'? (not)

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/videos/high-speed-bowling.html

[YellowBoat]

Alright, I know I'm a bit late on this one, but it's still great!!!!

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment delivered to Mexico.  But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.


The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo".


<---------->
Still looking for that lost shaker of salt.....
YellowBoat

[Sovereign]

 
That's the first maritime archaeological joke I've heard. Hope it's not the last 

Cheers!

[YellowBoat]

Sovereign...

Glad you enjoyed it !!!!!!

calm winds and flat seas
YellowBoat

[Baja Bush Pilot]

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old  woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw in the car, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
 
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade....."

[MissionPossible]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.
Please come in ! and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, M a'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

[Bart]

Some Tips for Life
 
 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
 Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
 And, presto, the blockage will be removed.
 
 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
 Vegetables by getting someone else to hold them
 while you chop away.
 
 3. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the
 Toilet seat by simply using the sink.
 
 4. For high-blood-pressure sufferers: simply cut
 Yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
 The pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
 5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
 Will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
 Sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
 Laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
 
 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
 Hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
 
 8. Sometimes we just need to remember what the rules
 Of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40
 And Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use
 the WD-40; if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
 tape.
 
 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
 Know them. So be brief with people.
 
 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the  Bathroom.
 
 Thoughts for the day:
 
 If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get
Another chance.
 
 Be really nice to your family and friends; you never
 Know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
 
 Some people are like "slinkies". They're not really
 Good for anything; but they still bring a smile to
 Your face when you push them down a flight of
 stairs.

[Grubbyson]

 A black man decides to go paragliding. He heads over to the paragliding shop to get lessons and a guy asked him. "What do you want"? The Black Man said that, "I want to go pa riglidding". The Pariglider said, " OK come out next week for lesson 1 at 4,000 feet high". Next week the black man came in and got ready to go paragliding. So the Black guy was up in the air expierncing how great the life of nature he loved it because how he felt so free. He came down and  and tolled his instructor how great it was and the instructor tolled him to come next week for lesson 2 at 6,000 feet hie. The black man said, "Great" The Black man came next week and got ready to go so got up in the air and he saw the birds and all of the other animals and he felt free even more because he was in  the air longer. He got down to the ground and tolled his instructor how much he loved it and his instructor tolled him to come back next week for lesson 3 at 8,000 feet. The black man said OK. So the black man came and went to his instructor and said, "Hey is possible if you can get me a big "Black" hanglidder"? The instructor said, "Sure you can I get you one for the last lesson". The Black man got all happy and said, " I can't wait". The black man got up in the air and he started to fly low and toewards a little cottage in the wilderness. Out of no where an mountain man came running out of the Cottage and he plugged off 6 rounds from his shotgun. The Black man fell to the ground. The okay ran into the house and said to his wife. "Honey I saw the most biggest Crow and he was carrying away a black man to his nest.   

[ole.Grubstake]

Ok my son------great joke but you need to learn to use the spell check?? lol
Your dad Grubby