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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 10944 times)
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« on: August 30, 2006, 01:34:27 PM »

A German archaeology team digs down 50m and finds traces of copper wire. Afterwards the German government proclaims that 2000 years ago the Germans obviously had developed a telephone system.

Later an English archaeology team digs down 100m and finds traces of glass strands. Afterwards the British government proclaims that 3000 years ago the English obviously had developed a fibre optic based telephone system.

An American archaeology team digs down 200m but finds nothing at all. Afterwards the American government proclaims that 4000 years ago the Americans invented mobile phones!!!.
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« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2006, 01:35:57 PM »

An archaeologist is a person whose career lies in ruins!

Parents should tell their daughters to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her.

Q. What was Camelot famous for ?
A. It's knight life!

Q: What do you call a very, very old joke?
A: Pre-hysterical!

Q: What is the definition of an archaeologist?
A: A person whose career is in ruins!

Q: How do you ring an Egyptian doorbell?
A: Tutankhamun (Toot and come in!)

Q: Who invented the pen?
A: The Inkas.

Q: Why did the archaeology student cry?
A: Because he lost his mummy.

Q: How did the ancient Romans cut their hair?
A: With a pair of caesars.

« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2006, 01:37:43 PM »

An archaeologist was digging in the Negveg Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.
''I've just discovered a 3000 yr old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!'

To which the curator said to bring him in and we'll check it out.
A week later, the curator called the archaeologist and asked how he knew.

'Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand which read '10,000 shekels on Goliath' ''
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2006, 01:46:46 PM »

Future archaeology
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« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2006, 05:12:08 PM »

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had

    "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to
the metal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind
him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly nut case
as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he
thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!",
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch

    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side
of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago,
my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing
her back.

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

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« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2006, 05:15:38 PM »

British Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights,
and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads, and have a Pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood....
Big, stately residences.. no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,
And worst of all.. NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has
to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street,
with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to
use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on
the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, Sir, you simply
cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, Officer," replies the American,  "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR,
anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen... manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie,
"That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

 "No sir", replied the Bobbie. "That is what we call the French Embassy."

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« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2006, 06:03:15 PM »

Subject: Becoming Illegal

Becoming Illegal (From a Maryland resident to his senator)
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building
309 Hart,  Washington DC , 20510 

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process
for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.


« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2006, 12:33:17 AM »

Fred's Story:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Fred. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started
working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home
from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I
hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that
they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement... I tell her to stretch it out over two or even
three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find
it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do
how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of  your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.




EDITOR'S NOTE: Fred died suddenly on Sept. 27th. The police report says that
he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf
club rammed up his a-s-s, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife,
Debbie, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury
found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down
on it

« Reply #8 on: October 28, 2006, 10:08:26 AM »

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2006, 04:36:35 PM »

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning. 
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.  It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the
So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.  As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a
whole shelf of it.  Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world
knows about this Italian bread thing but me."


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« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2006, 04:44:26 PM »

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens, called pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too.   But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement,  ;Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize." They also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a politician in the making.

Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted Awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

A guy phones a "Guaranteed to Lose Weight" company and orders  their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the  door and there stands before him  a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe  dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss  company. The sign reads:  "If you can catch me, you can have me."   

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.  The same girl shows up for the next four days
and the same thing  happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. 

 He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing  nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:   "If you catch me you can have me."  Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in  excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle-cramp and wheeze, so for the next  four days, the same routine happens.  Much to his delight,on the fifth day he  weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day /50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "this is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely", he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next
day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he  finds...
this huge, muscular, 7-ft. man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis, If  I catch you, you're mine!"

« Reply #11 on: November 03, 2006, 03:16:18 PM »

NEW YORK --- Teacher arrested

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
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« Reply #12 on: November 04, 2006, 03:48:08 PM »

I worked for Hallmark Cards for a while, as a card writer. Well, a short while, ok, half a day, and I'm still not sure why they let me go. The only thing I can figure is that that was back then they didn't have spell checker, and I must have made some typos. Anyway, I have saved my best, and I post them here in the hope that someone from another greeting card company will see them and offer employment. I know I'm good, so there is no need to reply and tell me that, really.

1. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.


2. Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

3. Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

4. Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

5. How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

6. I've always wanted to have
    someone to hold,

   someone to love.

  After having met you ..

  I've changed my mind.

7. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

8. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

9. Congratulations on your promotion.
    Before you go...

   Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

   You'll probably need it again.

10. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Regional - Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

11. Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

12. When we were together,
      you always said you'd die for me.

    Now that we've broken up,

     I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. We have been friends for a very long time ..

      let's say we stop?

14. I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

18. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay!

Learning is a treasure which accompanies its owner everywhere.
« Reply #13 on: November 04, 2006, 04:01:34 PM »

I *really* enjoy black humour, Bart, as you may have gathered from my mention of Tom Lehrer. I just read these out to my wife and we were in stitches of laughter. Thanks!

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« Reply #14 on: November 05, 2006, 06:05:16 AM »

Now that I am retired ~ ~

Working people frequently ask me what I do to make my days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and  when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving  a senior citizen a break"?  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him  a "Nazi turd." He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "sxxthead."

 He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield  with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.  This went on for about 15 minutes. The more I abused him,  the more tickets he wrote.  Personally, I didn't care. I came into town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

 I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age! 

Learning is a treasure which accompanies its owner everywhere.
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